Getting Out of Your Own Way

I sit in front of my computer screen feeling lifeless. I’m trying to will myself to work but I feel tired and heavy. My shoulders slump forward, my brow furrows. “Work!” I think but nothing happens…

Finally I close my laptop, lean back on the couch, close my eyes and take a breath. I turn my head and look out the window.

I’d been working on a Sacred Career Design workbook for months. I had launched the free version of the online course a week before and there wasn’t much interest in it and so was having trouble motivating myself to work on the more comprehensive version. Why keep working when no one seems to want the free version??

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I can’t be perfect anymore…

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When a friend comes to me because they’re upset about something I did, I want to say the right thing. So I think and think and analyze the facts. How can I take responsibility for what happened? How can I be mature about this situation? How can I address this in a way that makes my friend feel heard?

I am trying to be perfect. The perfect friend, daughter, sister, employee, partner. And so I want to say the perfect thing.

But I’m realizing, when I try to say the perfect thing, I sacrifice saying the true thing. And by focusing only on the other person’s experience, I give up myself.

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Secrets

I wrote this on Facebook a couple of months ago and then realized I never shared it with you all. I decided today that I want to.

So I know that this might not be a popular thing to say but I am actually completely head-over-heels into God.

The feeling I get when I dance like no one is watching, when I walk barefoot in the forest, when I listen to music this for me is connecting to God. It’s me living fully and freely and wildly. It’s living without fear of judgement.

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The Unexpected and Beautiful

I felt empowered by my decision to drop out of teacher’s college but when I woke up new years day in 2011, I was terrified. I had spent new years eve with a couple of friends and that was the last concrete plan that I had. I woke up with the expanse of my whole life in front of me and no idea what to do…

I was living in Thunder Bay, my roommates were cool, rent was cheap so I decided to stay. I went back to the drawing board, surfing the internet and hitting the pavement. Searching for a job that felt meaningful. I drank Baileys in my tea in the morning and begged my busy friends to go tobogganing with me.

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Jumping Off the Cliff

After I finished my undergrad degree, I went to Lakehead University for teacher’s college because they had an outdoor experiential education program. I was excited – I loved working with teenagers, I loved being outdoors so it seemed like a perfect fit.

My first class was in a beautiful old stone building. I was staying with a friend temporarily and she gave me directions. I walked to class. I sat with a fresh notebook and bright eyes ready to learn everything I could about quality education. My teacher started class and he didn’t seem as enthusiastic as I was but I wasn’t too worried. I settled in, taking notes.

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Allowing for Ease

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When I was 22, I had fallen in love with a boy who lived in Newfoundland. I’ll call him K. We had met the year before on my school’s reading week when I’d driven half way across the country through snow storms for the sake of an adventure. Upon meeting him, K. had blown me away. He was interested in photography and art, had his own dark room in a closet at his house. He tasted like freedom.

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Friends, I made a mistake.

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I launched a course called the Month of Courage and a few weeks after, I didn’t feel good about it.

Sometimes I set the date and that helps me to get my butt in gear to produce. But this time, that didn’t happen. This time, when I thought about working on the course, it felt like a heavy burden. This time, it was bad.

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