Shame and Sickness

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Delicious lentil soup brought over by a friend.

I am in bed again.  For the sixth day, although I haven’t stayed in bed as diligently as the time I was sick in December.  I get up, I go to work for half a day, I become exhausted, I go back home, back to bed.

The moments when I am able to relax into the sickness and simply rest are beautiful, restful.  But there are lots of moments that are not…

I just got home from the walk in clinic, where the doctor told me it’s likely the flu, and there’s nothing really I can do but take vitamin C and advil and ginseng and rest.

And so I lie in bed again. But I am agitated to the point that I was practically vibrating. I sit up, I started to write. What is going on? What do I very much want to smash something right now?  I hate this feeling. I hate being sick.  I hate everything.

As I walked home I thought about how lucky I am to have easy access to a doctor, to have a warm house, healthy food, everything I need to heal.  I should be peaceful, grateful, but instead I am vibrating. Instead I feel like something is going to explode inside me.

I continue to write, and it starts making sense.  I write,

I am an idiot, it’s all my fault, I pushed myself hard last week and now this.  I think that I’m invincible, why wasn’t I more cautious with my energy. What the hell is wrong with me?  I should throw myself in the trash.  I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve to be alive.

And suddenly it clicks, suddenly I know this part of my mind.  Shame.

I know that my self worth is tied up with my productivity and when I am sick I don’t get as much work done.  And then the demon in me comes out and ask, “Who do you think you are to rest?  You’re probably going to get fired for calling in sick you lazy useless piece of s***.”

I’ve seen this shame part before but never made the link of the shame that comes forward every time I get sick.  I emerge from my muddled agitation with clear eyes.

So now, even though the battle with the virus is not yet over,
I feel as though I have won.

 

 

 

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Author: Bryn Bamber

I work with big hearted people who want to make a positive impact in the world. The only problem is: -Your career isn’t working -You wake up some days and don’t want to get out of bed -You’re stressed about paying the bills Career Coaching in the Forest teaches you how to make small shifts that will free up tons of energy for the things you really love. A life where you wake up to feeling a sense of purpose and easily pay the bills. I teach you how to approach making a career change in a way that is fun, easy and gets results :). I have over a decade of experience in the field of education and during my four years at an educational non-profit I hired enough contract staff to know what employers want and DON’T WANT in the job application process. So why did I start this? When I was 24, I was overwhelmed by my job working with vulnerable youth and fell apart. I moved to a yoga centre for 2 years to put myself back together. There I figured out what I was messing up at work and became a yoga and meditation teacher. Career Coaching in the Forest will help you to see the mistakes you’re making without having to move to a yoga centre! And use meditative practices to help you see where you need to go. I know exactly what it feels when something’s not right in your career and now I love helping others to make changes so their lives can become full of meaning and purpose again and so that you can make lots money too ;). Start today: get my Free Resource: Land Your Dream Job Checklist here - tinyurl.com/dreamjobchecklist And above all else, please go for your dreams. Your life has meaning. You are here for reason. Find out what it is and when you do put all you that you got towards it! Talk soon! Bryn To learn more go to www.couragecompass.org

2 thoughts on “Shame and Sickness”

  1. This cloud fogging my head
    I can’t see through the smoke
    The sun and the light can’t get in
    Then I realize the smoke is there
    I swat it away,
    And once I get through this work I see that I now have Clear Eyes

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