I can’t be perfect anymore…

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When a friend comes to me because they’re upset about something I did, I want to say the right thing. So I think and think and analyze the facts. How can I take responsibility for what happened? How can I be mature about this situation? How can I address this in a way that makes my friend feel heard?

I am trying to be perfect. The perfect friend, daughter, sister, employee, partner. And so I want to say the perfect thing.

But I’m realizing, when I try to say the perfect thing, I sacrifice saying the true thing. And by focusing only on the other person’s experience, I give up myself.

I’ve always felt more comfortable with older people. Even at age 8 or 9, I remember at family functions feeling more comfortable talking to my aunts and uncles then I did talking to my cousins. And then when I was in university, I started hanging out friends who were 5, 10 and even 20 years older then me.

People have often told me I’m wise beyond my years and it has made me swell with pride. And I’m not trying to say I’m not wise at all, but I’m saying that some of my “wisdom” has been me pretending.

In the situation with my friend being upset with me, when I do “the mature thing,” I pretend that I’m not hurt and angry about what my friend said. I pretend I’m unaffected and objectively analyze the situation. I don’t allow myself to express how I really feel.

And as this dawns on me, my life cracks open. I’m flooded with memories of times I pretended to be okay or mature when really I was terrified. Times when I took care of others, even though I didn’t know how to care of myself.

And I feel grief for the years I’ve spent pretending. Faking a perfect life when really I was sad or angry and needed help.

And for me, this pretending has become living a lie. I have earned the titles of perfect daughter, wise older sister, good friend, and excellent employee. I pretended to be wise and you believed me.

But I’m here today to tell you: I can’t do it anymore. That pretending has left me brittle, withered and cracked. It has left me twisted, nauseous and resentful. It has left me more dead than I am alive. So I’m taking my life back.

And I know it will be messy. And I might say something that you don’t like. And you might find yourself asking, “What happened to Bryn? This isn’t like her…”

But I’m here to tell you I care about you just as deeply as I always have. And I’m here to apologize for pretending before. And I’m here to unveil a new and truer me.

And my hope is that as I become more true to me, it will inspire you to become more true to you. My hope is that we can all be more real together. Because one thing I know for sure is that with realness comes depth. Connection swells and deepens. Bonds of friendship and love become stronger.

And sometimes our relationship may be incredibly uncomfortable because we’re angry or we’re vulnerable or we’re doing whatever emotion we like the least. And some days we won’t be “best friends” because something else will be going on.

But overtime our friendship will be even stronger because we will know it is not made of glass.

Pine trees have heartwood in the centre which, despite the beautiful name, is dead and hardened. If the wind is strong enough, they crack and break never to be repaired. Sadly, some relationships are like pine trees.

But I want relationships that are like palm trees – where the trunk is alive all the way through. And when a palm tree that is flattened to the ground after a storm it stands back up.

I want to know that I can be me, and you can be you and our relationship will stand back up. So let’s do this.

Let’s bring all of ourselves and see what happens.

 

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Author: Bryn Bamber

I work with big hearted people who want to make a positive impact in the world. The only problem is: -Your career isn’t working -You wake up some days and don’t want to get out of bed -You’re stressed about paying the bills Career Coaching in the Forest teaches you how to make small shifts that will free up tons of energy for the things you really love. A life where you wake up to feeling a sense of purpose and easily pay the bills. I teach you how to approach making a career change in a way that is fun, easy and gets results :). I have over a decade of experience in the field of education and during my four years at an educational non-profit I hired enough contract staff to know what employers want and DON’T WANT in the job application process. So why did I start this? When I was 24, I was overwhelmed by my job working with vulnerable youth and fell apart. I moved to a yoga centre for 2 years to put myself back together. There I figured out what I was messing up at work and became a yoga and meditation teacher. Career Coaching in the Forest will help you to see the mistakes you’re making without having to move to a yoga centre! And use meditative practices to help you see where you need to go. I know exactly what it feels when something’s not right in your career and now I love helping others to make changes so their lives can become full of meaning and purpose again and so that you can make lots money too ;). Start today: get my Free Resource: Land Your Dream Job Checklist here - tinyurl.com/dreamjobchecklist And above all else, please go for your dreams. Your life has meaning. You are here for reason. Find out what it is and when you do put all you that you got towards it! Talk soon! Bryn To learn more go to www.couragecompass.org

4 thoughts on “I can’t be perfect anymore…”

  1. This resonates with me Bryn. I feel it it my cells. Thank you for making conscious something that I do too. Now that I see it, I’m called to change. Thank you!

  2. This is lovely! It’s so important first of all to accept ourselves as being imperfect, then the others will have no choice but to follow. 🙂

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