Sometimes I feel lonely…

I’ve been writing a lot about career coaching stuff. About what you can do and how I can help. And I believe it. I believe that you are meant to bring out your gifts and touch even more people than you already are.

But I’ve been craving to write about me. About my life. About how life is hard sometimes and how sometimes I don’t know how to make it better.

I’ve been feeling lonely as I try to navigate the dating world. Dating is like applying to a million jobs and you get some rejections but you get some interviews. And sometimes you even get a couple of shifts or work for a month. But then just when you think it’s going to work out, just when you start to think, I’m going to like it here, it gets torn away.

Sometimes I tear it away. Sometimes he tears it away. Sometimes he ghosts and leaves me questioning my judgment.

I thought he was a stand up guy. I thought he was direct. I thought he would have the confidence to say, “I don’t think this is going to work.”

But he doesn’t. My last text to him reads, “Frustrated. If you don’t want to hang out again, please be direct about it.” He doesn’t respond.

I’m okay with ghosting if it’s just one date. If the first date doesn’t go well, I encourage it. But after multiple dates I want something. Some acknowledgement.

It throws me and a part of me wants to give up. To collect some good single friends and hold them close. Make a pact that we’ll never date anyone so we’ll always have time for each other.

That part is jealous of my friends that are in relationships. Making up stories that their lives are perfect and easy. That they’re having the #BestSummerEver and I’m alone.

I talk to my sister on the phone one night and cry. She listens and really hears my struggle. I wake up the next morning feeling better.

I see how it’s easy to see someone else’s life as perfect and easy when really it’s probably not. They probably have their own set of challenges even if they don’t post them all over Instagram.

And that morning I’m able to start to see and be grateful for the beautiful parts of my life. My beautiful home. Friends that hold me close. Beautiful dances, walks in the park. Evolving relationships with both my mother and father.

My life is full.

And it’s not that the loneliness and hurt completely disappear but I have room for them. I can let the loneliness in and it won’t carry me away.

You can feel lonely when you’re in a crowded room. The moments when you feel seen or understood are precious.

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Don’t Quit Your Day Job, Make Your Escape Plan

When I was 24, I quit my day job. I worked for a non-profit with youth in custody. I was stressed, worried I wasn’t doing enough, burning out. And it was absolutely the right decision to quit. I moved to an ashram, learned more about my mind and my spirit and returned to the workforce stronger and more clear about my purpose.

Sometimes quitting is the right thing to do, but this article is about the other times. Maybe you’re a little bit older or wiser than I was. Maybe you have student debt or you don’t want to leave your community. Maybe’s there’s a mortgage or kids or both. This article is about when it’s not time to quit, but your job really isn’t working so it’s time to do something.

Here are the Six Steps to Make Your Escape Plan.
Continue reading “Don’t Quit Your Day Job, Make Your Escape Plan”

I can’t be perfect anymore…

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When a friend comes to me because they’re upset about something I did, I want to say the right thing. So I think and think and analyze the facts. How can I take responsibility for what happened? How can I be mature about this situation? How can I address this in a way that makes my friend feel heard?

I am trying to be perfect. The perfect friend, daughter, sister, employee, partner. And so I want to say the perfect thing.

But I’m realizing, when I try to say the perfect thing, I sacrifice saying the true thing. And by focusing only on the other person’s experience, I give up myself.

Continue reading “I can’t be perfect anymore…”

The Unexpected and Beautiful

I felt empowered by my decision to drop out of teacher’s college but when I woke up new years day in 2011, I was terrified. I had spent new years eve with a couple of friends and that was the last concrete plan that I had. I woke up with the expanse of my whole life in front of me and no idea what to do…

I was living in Thunder Bay, my roommates were cool, rent was cheap so I decided to stay. I went back to the drawing board, surfing the internet and hitting the pavement. Searching for a job that felt meaningful. I drank Baileys in my tea in the morning and begged my busy friends to go tobogganing with me.

Continue reading “The Unexpected and Beautiful”

Friends, I made a mistake.

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I launched a course called the Month of Courage and a few weeks after, I didn’t feel good about it.

Sometimes I set the date and that helps me to get my butt in gear to produce. But this time, that didn’t happen. This time, when I thought about working on the course, it felt like a heavy burden. This time, it was bad.

Continue reading “Friends, I made a mistake.”

Overcoming Worthlessness

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I have struggled with worthlessness for as long as I can remember. As a little girl I believed I only had worth if I got good marks, was packed and ready to go on time, if I did the dishes and looked pretty. I used every external marker to give myself worth. If I got a B or was late, I felt terrible. My breath would get fast, my chest would get tight and I would beat myself up.

And now, as an adult, I still fall into these patterns. I rush to the meeting, obsess over my work and beat myself up if I notice a stain on my clothes or if I forget a small detail.

And the thing about worthlessness, is I often don’t realize how it’s influencing my decisions and controlling my life.

Continue reading “Overcoming Worthlessness”

Courage Compass Podcast: After the Fire with Swami Lalitananda

screen-shot-2017-01-01-at-10-10-43-amHow can the teachings of yoga help us to live a life filled with courage?

Swami Lalitananda had been appointed as president of Yasodhara Ashram, a yoga retreat and study centre, mere weeks before the community’s most beloved building, the Temple of Light, was destroyed in a fire. In this episode she talks about how the teachings helped the community move through this event and how these teachings can help us bring courage into the workplace, into our relationships and into our everyday life.

Listen to this episode.